Coulda been worse

I went to the beach.  I wore a bikini.  I stayed outside in a crowded area for three hours.  I didn’t like it, but it coulda been worse.

Last year, until this spring, I suffered from agoraphobia.  When I think about where I was just three months ago, I am tremendously impressed and proud that I 1) went far from home 2)stayed outside and 3)was around crowds.  I only lasted three hours, but three months ago I couldn’t even sit on my steps for ten minutes.  I wish I had been able to stay at the beach longer, but I’m trying to focus on the progress I’ve made rather than wallow in disappointment that I couldn’t do better.  I need to be proud of myself and remember that baby steps are steps just the same.  And as far as baby steps go, three hours far from home in a crowd outside is actually pretty damn good.

Bikini wise, I actually took a few steps back in the body love department.  I was physically comfortable, which was the point of buying a two piece rather than a one piece, but I was more self conscious than I anticipated.  Even worse, I watched the thin women around me and started hating my body.  I did not see that coming.  I’m trying not to beat myself up about it; fat acceptance and body love don’t happen over night and I’ve only been loving my fat body for about 18 months.  I’m not wallowing in self loathing, but I did get home from the beach and think about dieting.  I’m mostly resisting that urge out of stubbornness, but hey, whatever works.  I like liking my body.  I’d rather be self-conscious now and again and love my body most of the time than diet because I hate my body all of the time.  So really, I’m looking at this as a reminder that fat acceptance and body love make me happier than being skinny made me.  When I was skinny I was never skinny and toned enough for my happiness.  The next time I go to the beach (and there will be a next time), I’ll admire the bodies around me without comparing them to mine.  Or at least that’s the plan.  Baby steps.

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2 thoughts on “Coulda been worse

  1. Wow. Agoraphobia is hard to deal with. I have a friend who has that issue and it’s serious. I am so proud that you took that leap and did that. I have anxiety … and I think if I allow myself to play into it… I could easily develop agoraphobia. I’m so introverted. But I don’t wanna get there. I’m so happy to hear you’re doing well. You’re gonna beat it 🙂

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