I went to the beach. I wore a bikini. I stayed outside in a crowded area for three hours. I didn’t like it, but it coulda been worse.
Last year, until this spring, I suffered from agoraphobia. When I think about where I was just three months ago, I am tremendously impressed and proud that I 1) went far from home 2)stayed outside and 3)was around crowds. I only lasted three hours, but three months ago I couldn’t even sit on my steps for ten minutes. I wish I had been able to stay at the beach longer, but I’m trying to focus on the progress I’ve made rather than wallow in disappointment that I couldn’t do better. I need to be proud of myself and remember that baby steps are steps just the same. And as far as baby steps go, three hours far from home in a crowd outside is actually pretty damn good.
Bikini wise, I actually took a few steps back in the body love department. I was physically comfortable, which was the point of buying a two piece rather than a one piece, but I was more self conscious than I anticipated. Even worse, I watched the thin women around me and started hating my body. I did not see that coming. I’m trying not to beat myself up about it; fat acceptance and body love don’t happen over night and I’ve only been loving my fat body for about 18 months. I’m not wallowing in self loathing, but I did get home from the beach and think about dieting. I’m mostly resisting that urge out of stubbornness, but hey, whatever works. I like liking my body. I’d rather be self-conscious now and again and love my body most of the time than diet because I hate my body all of the time. So really, I’m looking at this as a reminder that fat acceptance and body love make me happier than being skinny made me. When I was skinny I was never skinny and toned enough for my happiness. The next time I go to the beach (and there will be a next time), I’ll admire the bodies around me without comparing them to mine. Or at least that’s the plan. Baby steps.